This whole Jay-Z stuff is getting me pissed. I'm kinda sick of it, really. That's why I will try to finish this category. And, uhm, that means that every week I will try to enlarge the amount the Jay-Z-posts. Thanks for reading this, btw.
#666: The Illuminati, the Rothschilds, 9/11 and shit.
Yeah, I know. I already told ya that people accuse me of being part of the illuminati. Or the elite. Or some kind of....hell knows...whatever....satanic, jewish communist, muslim elite. Just because I'm friends with the president(though I assume that this motherfucker is only friends with me so he can take a look at beyoncés ass) aaaaand maybe because I love doing the "rock" symbol. Jesus fuck, people are crazy. Anyways, that's how my story goes:
I was driving to the grocery store, cause I needed some stuff. Suddenly I stuck in a traffic right before my destination point. A guy was sitting in the car on my left. He was pretty weird looking. Kinda like a nazi-fetishist. You know, gestapo jacket, emo haircut and so on. He was looking straight at me and then he started talking to himself. Or to his bluetooth phone or whatever. Anyway I don't give a fuck and keep on driving. Suddenly his oldsmobile(some old nazi-mercedes or whatever the fuck it was) drove towards me and um...well yeah...my jeep wasn't actually made for the streets. So,um yeah. I did kind of a backflip. I was knocked out.
What I remember is that I woke up in a strange room. I was chained to some kind of metallic plate. Just like in a james bond movie, right before the villain comes in and directs a laser ray right at mr. bond and threatens to cut him in half. Holy fuck. That was creepy. But way creepier were the swastika flags which were hanging on the ceiling, and on the side walls. "Hm, what if the fucking villain would come in, like right now?", I thought. And then the door on the right opened and HE came in. Adolf Hitler. Or at least some guy dressed up as him. Well, actually it might be a guy who dressed up as hitler rather than Adolf himself. Whatever.
"Uh, our sabdschekt wouk ap!"
"Dude, wtf is your problem? Why in the world are you kidnapping me? And what the fuck is up with all those nazi-flags?"
"STOPP! Mister Hova, först ällauh mi tu introdoos myself. My name is professor Axel Stoll. I am a promo, promova...promi....prum, pram.........I am a scientist and me and my Einsatzkommando assum that you are a dangerous part of sä illuminati"
"Jeezus, not that again. Look I explained that like 100000 times to all you conspiracy fuckwads. I got nothing to do with anything. I just make music. Yeah, and I like some symbols but that's all. And to be honest, I feel kinda discomfortable right now, because you kidnapped me and stuff, and uh...."
"VILL YOU SCHAT APP! VEE HAVE WAYS TO MAKE YOU TELL US THE TROOTH! ALL TROOTH ABOUT YOU AND YOUR ELEKTROJUDENTUM!"
"......about what?"
"VEE KNOW THAT YOU ARE THE ELEKTROJUDE! YOU ARE RESPONSIBL FOR ALL THE BAD STUFF IN SÄ INTERNET! EFERI EBAY-ACCOUNT THAT SELLS NS-MEMORABILIA ZUM HORRENDEN PREISEN! YOU ELEKTROJUDEN ARE RESPONSIBL FOR ZEES!"
"Shit, man I don't know what kind of stuff you smoke but please share!"
"IT IZ NOT SÄ TIME TO MAKE FUN OF ME, ELECTROJEW! I KNOW THAT BEHIND THAT MASK THERE IS A HIDEOUS JEWISH ZINKEN!"
".....woah, woah. what mask?"
"YOUR BROWN MASK OF DISGRACE! BUT NOW, I WILL REMOVE IT AND SHOW THE WORLD YOUR TROO FACE!"
Dr. Stoll went to the right corner of the room. He was mumbling something about "the joden, skalarwelle" and so on. Meanwhile I managed to set my left foot free from the chain. Which was btw made out of plastic. And I thought the germans liked to invest much money in expensive products. After a couple of minutes he came back. In his right hand he was holding a kind of a...hook? what the fuck was he trying to do?
He came up to me and pointed the hook right into my right cheek.
"NAO I VILL PUT THAT BROWN MASK OF YOUR KOPF SO I CAN SEE YOUR TROO FACE, ELEKTROJUDE! THE RULERS OF ALDEBARAN VILL BE PLEASED!"
Shit, he was watching way too many Star Wars or something. That motherfucker must be high on bath salts or something.
"STAND STILL SO I CAN PROCEED!"
"nope. nope. nope. uh uh. can't do it."
I moved my head back and forth. Left and right. Just so he couldn't do whatever he was trying to do. I remembered that my left foot was set free. So i just kicked him in the nuts. He felt down on the ground. His face seemed disgusted by the horrible pain. Some device fell out of his left pocket and obviously a button was pressed by accident, because A FUCKING INTERDIMENSIONAL PORTAL SHOWED UP AND BEGAN SUCKING UP EVERYTHING IN SIGHT! I was helpless. The rest of the chains ripped off the metal. I could only hope that my hands are strong enough to hold on to the fucking metal plate and that I will not get sucked in. Too bad that the device got sucked in. Dr. Stoll was mad as hell and kept shouting "YOU ARE RESPONSIBL FOR ZEES! I WILL TAKE YOU WIFF MEE!" He was holding himself to a cable which was sticking out of the wall. He grabbed my leg and pulled really hard. The next thing I know is that we were sucked in a strudel. I felt really sick.
A couple of seconds later we finally arrived. It was an other planet. First thing I had to do was puke.
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